Update: My readers and me

I know my potential reading glasses have been the talk of the town since I posted about the possibility of needing them earlier this week. All I can read on the interwebs is, “Will she or won’t she buy the readers?!?” I’m here to update you and put your mind at ease.

I went to the optometrist yesterday and got good news and bad news. The good news: It was all in my imagination and I don’t need reading glasses in any way!

Just kidding. I totally need reading glasses. That’s the bad news. The good news is that my ability to see distance has improved a lot. I don’t know how that happened. I’m told it comes with age, but I’d like to think that all those eye workouts I did (eye lunges, eye push-ups, eye squats) finally paid off! Yipee!

After I was given a new and improved prescription for my contact lenses, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and buy some readers. Hey, maybe I’d even try to stay  positive and embrace it! I headed over to Walgreens and was trying really hard to feel AOK about it, and was succeeding until I saw this:

 

As you can see from the photograph, the readers are on the far right at the end of the aisle. But what did I encounter on the WAY to the readers? Well, all the things somebody buying readers might also need according to Walgreens. You’ll immediately notice the walker just a few feet away. Upon closer inspection, I found a toilet safety rail, a raised toilet seat, a foam cushion to sit on for when I guess your hemorrhoids are flaring up, and replacement wheels for the above-mentioned walker.

I’m not going to lie: it was really hard to embrace this new stage of my life after seeing this. I walked by the display and began to peruse the selection of readers, but the minutes ticked by. I was feeling more and more yucky about it and, most importantly, couldn’t find a style that wasn’t hideous. I finally freaked out and had to leave.

After I gave myself a stern talking-to, I decided to take a trip to this trendy glasses store and pick out a pair there. I figured then I would feel like was going shopping for “a fashion statement accessory.” Yeah, that was the ticket.

After lots of moaning and groaning (I’m sure the saleswoman in the shop just loved me), I finally decided on a pair:

So there you have it. FYI, I did not get a chain so I could wear them around my neck and always know where they are, but you never know. My husband says I might need one because the next thing to go is the memory. He is just hilarious.

 

Read it and weep

I’ve been in denial for a while now about something that, at first, I thought was no big deal. But things have escalated quickly. And they say the first step in fixing a problem is admitting that there is a problem.

So fine. I’ll just put it out there in black and white. Damn it, I don’t want to admit this, but I need freaking reading glasses.

Ugh. Just the worst.

I guess it was about a year ago when I noticed something had…shifted. I would look at the back of DVD covers to see how long a particular movie was, but I couldn’t quite make out the numbers next to the minutes. I’d move the DVD closer and then further away and then closer to my face once again, but even when I squinted, I couldn’t read it clearly. I laughed it off.

“Oh, who can even read these DVD covers anyway? The type is so tiny!” which was then followed by an overly enthusiastic, hysterical laugh, and by “hysterical” I don’t mean funny; I mean characterized by actual hysteria.

As the months went by, I noticed that here and there I was having trouble seeing things up close. I couldn’t take a photograph and see what I was snapping on the screen clearly. I’d be in a restaurant and have difficulty reading the menu. And if there was dim mood lighting, forget about it. I joked about/seriously considered placing a magnifying glass by all the DVDs so I could read the print on the backs with ease.

I want to be clear about this though–I wear contacts for distance and have for 20 years. When I’m not wearing my contacts, I can see perfectly well up close (even though I can’t see three feet in front of me). It’s only when I’m wearing my contacts that I have trouble seeing nearby things.

I reasoned that the problem lie in my contact lenses. I convinced myself pretty adamantly that this was in fact the case. Until one day, my husband came along and ruined everything:

Me: “I really think I need a new prescription. These contacts are preventing me from seeing up close.”

My husband: “It has nothing to do with your contacts.”

Me: “What are you talking about? Of course it does. I see fine up close when I’m not wearing them.”

My husband: “Your eyes can’t accommodate anymore.”

Me: “Say what now?”

My husband: “Your eyes can’t accommodate. They can’t adjust quickly from distance to up close anymore.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Well, why is it just happening now? I’ve never had that problem before.”

My husband: “Because it happens as you age. You just need reading glasses.”

Me: *eye twitching*

Dreams: shattered. Delusions of grandeur: well, un-delusioned. How could this be? How am I old enough to need reading glasses?!? Who is that blurry person staring back at me in the mirror? I don’t even know anymore.

What would living with reading glasses even look like? How do you access your readers throughout the day without having them on your person at all times? I’m not going to carry them around in my hand or my purse and have to rifle through that all the time. That must be why people hang their readers on chains from their necks. Like librarians. And now apparently me. I totally get that now. It’s a nifty solution.

I know what you’re going to say. Just wear bifocals. That way you can see up close and far away at all times. Yeah, well, screw you. I’m not wearing bifocals.

So maybe one of these days while I’m at CVS picking up a few things, I might peruse the reading glasses at the end of the aisle. I’m not saying I’m going to BUY a pair, but maybe just see what’s up. I mean, plenty of twenty-year-olds wear readers. Right? RIGHT?!?