A tale of woe

I was so close.

Last night I took a ride on an emotional roller coaster. I hate roller coasters, emotional or otherwise, so you can imagine that I did not have the time of my life.

It all started with my husband, as rides on emotional roller coasters often do. He sat down on the couch and turned on the television. It was not sports. That was the first clue that something unusual was about to happen.

Then he reached for the remote that changes the set-up from TV to whatever it’s called when you can stream shows from Netflix/Hulu/etc. right to your television. Clearly, I’m not well-versed in this technology, but I knew enough to know that something amazing was about to happen.

You see, my husband does not enjoy watching television shows. He prefers movies. There’s only one show he’s ever actually watched with me and liked, and it was “The Handmaid’s Tale,” based on Margaret Atwood’s book of the same name. It was at that moment that it occurred to me that he was going to tune into the first episode of “The Handmaid’s Tale” SEASON 2. I knew that it was being released like any minute but totally forgot about it until that very second and I cannot even express to you how incredibly stoked I was that this was going to happen momentarily. I was so happy I started screaming, prompting my kid to scream down from his bedroom, “What’s wrong? Are you crying?!?”

“Oh no,” I replied, “Everything is finally so, so right!!”

So we’re sitting there, the anticipation of the new season pretty much killing me, when all of a sudden my husband says, “Uh oh.” Terrified, I asked what was going on. Did the internet go out? Was the house on fire, making us evacuate and delay our viewing? What?!? He replied that the new season was not going to be released for two more days.

Do you know what it’s like to achieve nirvana and then suddenly plummet down to the deepest depths of despair in two seconds flat? I do. Because that was me.

And if things weren’t bad enough, he asked me the one question that made me hit rock bottom (I already thought I was at rock bottom, but he inexplicably was able to bring me further down). This is what he asked me: “Do you want to watch a pack break instead?”

For those of you who don’t know what a pack break is, I envy you. Sometimes I think back to the days when I didn’t know what a pack break was, and I actually weep. A pack break is a type of YouTube video in which a person records him or herself on video opening baseball card packs. Then this person discuss the cards they’ve received AT LENGTH, including what number it is in the sequence of production, the condition of the card, etc. I imagine if there is a hell, it’s a never-ending loop of pack breaks being broadcast on 50 different computer screens simultaneously, and I am forced to sit in a chair in the middle of them all.

I mean, to go from watching the first episode of a new season of “The Handmaid’s Tale” to watching a pack break was JUST TOO MUCH TO BEAR. I became despondent. Irritable. Irate. And that was just in the first 60 seconds after the suggestion.

We ended up watching the first episode of “Jessica Jones,” so the evening wasn’t a total loss. It was good. No “Handmaid’s Tale,” but what is, am I right?

I think I’ll take today to recover from having experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows all within a five-minute period because, honestly, it’s taken a lot out of me. Let this be a lesson to you: Research when your favorite shows are dropping so this doesn’t happen to you. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Image from The Stranger.